Page 82 - DSOC201_SOCIAL_STRUCTURE_AND_SOCIAL_CHANGE_ENGLISH

Unit 3: Marriage

boys and girls are first attracted to one another by their perceptions of partner’s attractive qualities. Notes
These qualities are both physical and social: good looks, tallness, tolerance, joviality, considerate
personality, and so on. Without being wholly aware of it, each partner prepares a mental balance-
sheet, comparing the other’s attractive and unattractive features and then comparing them with his
or her own. If one partner is substantially less attractive than the other, he/she is likely to break off
the relationship. If the couple are fairly evenly matched, the relationship may develop on into the
value stage. In this stage, the partners discuss their attitudes towards joint family, familial obligations,
woman’s higher education, woman’s job, family budget, ownership of house, etc. The more similar
the discovered values, the stronger their attraction to one another becomes, and the more time they
spend together or talk on phone or write letters to each other. Some couples marry at this point but
some move on into the role stage. In this stage, they not only hear each other’s expressed values but
they see how those values are expressed in real-life situations. They see whether the other partner is
cheerful or moody, generous or selfish, dependable or erratic, forgiving or intolerant, dominant or
submissive, and so on. The more they interact, the more they perceive what it would be like to be
married to one another. If the perception and attitudes are favourable, marriage is sure to be the
outcome. And it is bound to be a successful marriage.
But this type of free interaction between boys and girls before marriage is totally absent in rural
areas. In urban areas also, the lower and the middle-middle class people do not believe in giving
such freedom to their children. The upper-middle and the upper-class people too not only remain
apprehensive of pre-marital sex relations between the children but of the increasing possibility of
rejecting the girls by the boys in our culture. The result is that after the marriage, the marital adjustment
between the partners with different attitudes and beliefs becomes difficult leading to frequent conflicts,
separation, desertion and sometimes divorce. I would not call this as ‘over-rationalizing’ the process
of mate selection. My emphasis on careful marital choice of a spouse by parents and children seems
to imply that choosing the mate ‘rationally’ and determining the ‘right’ age of marriage will not only
help in eliminating the ‘chance’ element in the success of marriage but will also help in achieving the
real objects of marriage in this age.
Marital Adjustment

Marriage, in reality, is a way of living. It is not always full of roses; but its success depends upon
adjustment on the part of both the partners involved. Whether marriage is arranged or a love marriage,
in initial days both partners want to impress upon each other. The sexual excitement and the novelties
of new relationship lift the partners out of themselves for a time. Each partner considers other as an
extraordinary person. Each feels midly intoxicated. This intoxication is reinforced by the new status,
acquiring new possessions, and establishing new relationships. They overlook each other’s defects
and weaknesses and live under several illusions. Then comes gradually a stage of disillusionment.
The first time when husband comes late, wife feels that he no longer cares for her. The first time when
wife oversleeps and fails to give lunch-box to her husband before going to office, husband feels that
she is lethargic and irresponsible. The opportunities for complaints against each other go on increasing.
Husband starts occasionally rebuffing his wife and wife occasionally starts writing against husband
to her parents. The illusion is broken and partner’s deficiencies come to surface. The shattering of
dreams is painful and the disillusionment starts conflict.
Initially, the disagreements and complaints do not lead to open fighting. Occasionally, they handle
the quarrels by not indulging in behaviour overtly which may offend the other partner but sometimes
they act in ways that do not make sense unless one is willing to assume that certain functions of the
behaviour are different from the apparent ones. The covert conflict in marriage is difficult to estimate,
yet it indicates ‘emotional withholdings’ in many relationships that reveal under-cover hostility.
Then emerges overt conflict. Wife occasionally weeps and husband goes without food. The examples
could be multiplied and turned against husband and wife equally. The point is that in these bitter
attacks upon one another, the partners may soon destroy the basis upon which their relationship is
built. Particular conflicts may be solved and adjustments may be worked out but the new ones may
reappear. However, the disruption of the relationship may not be great. The couple resolves basic
issues before too much damage is done and the marriage is broken.

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