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Unit 25: Swift–Hints Towards an Essay on Conversation...

their schemes to perfection. But, in conversation, it is, or might be otherwise; for here we are only Notes
to avoid a multitude of errors, which, although a matter of some difficulty, may be in every man’s
power, for want of which it remaineth as mere an idea as the other. Therefore it seemeth to me,
that the truest way to understand conversation, is to know the faults and errors to which it is
subject, and from thence every man to form maxims to himself whereby it may be regulated,
because it requireth few talents to which most men are not born, or at least may not acquire
without any great genius or study. For nature hath left every man a capacity of being agreeable,
though not of shining in company; and there are an hundred men sufficiently qualified for both,
who, by a very few faults, that they might correct in half an hour, are not so much as tolerable.
I was prompted to write my thoughts upon this subject by mere indignation, to reflect that so
useful and innocent a pleasure, so fitted for every period and condition of life, and so much in all
men’s power, should be so much neglected and abused.
And in this discourse it will be necessary to note those errors that are obvious, as well as others
which are seldomer observed, since there are few so obvious, or acknowledged, into which most
men, some time or other, are not apt to run.

The Folly of Talking Too Much
For instance: Nothing is more generally exploded than the folly of talking too much; yet I rarely
remember to have seen five people together, where some one among them hath not been
predominant in that kind, to the great constraint and disgust of all the rest. But among such as
deal in multitudes of words, none are comparable to the sober deliberate talker, who proceedeth
with much thought and caution, maketh his preface, brancheth out into several digressions, findeth
a hint that putteth him in mind of another story, which he promiseth to tell you when this is done;
cometh back regularly to his subject, cannot readily call to mind some person’s name, holding his
head, complaineth of his memory; the whole company all this while in suspense; at length says, it
is no matter, and so goes on. And, to crown the business, it perhaps proveth at last a story the
company hath heard fifty times before; or, at best, some insipid adventure of the relater.
Another general fault in conversation is, that of those who affect to talk of themselves: Some,
without any ceremony, will run over the history of their lives; will relate the annals of their
diseases, with the several symptoms and circumstances of them; will enumerate the hardships
and injustice they have suffered in court, in parliament, in love, or in law. Others are more
dexterous, and with great art will lie on the watch to hook in their own praise: They will call a
witness to remember they always foretold what would happen in such a case, but none would
believe them; they advised such a man from the beginning, and told him the consequences, just as
they happened; but he would have his own way. Others make a vanity of telling their faults; they
are the strangest men in the world; they cannot dissemble; they own it is a folly; they have lost
abundance of advantages by it; but, if you would give them the world, they cannot help it; there
is something in their nature that abhors insincerity and constraint; with many other insufferable
topics of the same altitude.
Of such mighty importance every man is to himself, and ready to think he is so to others; without
once making this easy and obvious reflection, that his affairs can have no more weight with other
men, than theirs have with him; and how little that is, he is sensible enough.
Where company hath met, I often have observed two persons discover, by some accident, that
they were bred together at the same school or university, after which the rest are condemned to
silence, and to listen while these two are refreshing each other’s memory with the arch tricks and
passages of themselves and their comrades.
I know a great officer of the army, who will sit for some time with a supercilious and impatient
silence, full of anger and contempt for those who are talking; at length of a sudden demand
audience, decide the matter in a short dogmatical way; then withdraw within himself again, and
vouchsafe to talk no more, until his spirits circulate again to the same point.

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