Page 59 - DMGT519_Conflict Management and Negotiation Skills

Unit 3: Personality

Notes
On the other hand, was Laura behaving ethically by not telling Tim emphatically that he
stop apologizing? Lets assume that Tim was completely unaware of the affect of his
continuous apologizing. He had no intention of being intrusive. Shouldn't Laura have
enlightened him of the inappropriateness of his behavior? Even if he didn't stop, at least
she could feel good about herself by being assertive. Instead, she passively accepted the
situation.
Because the cab incident was kept hidden from public awareness and resolution, anxiety
rose within Laura, Tim and the office. From the perspective of anxiety as exacerbating the
conflict, Murray Bowen's family systems theory is a useful framework for analysis. Family
systems theory posits that people are not independent and unaffected by others' emotions.
Rather, people form an emotional unit such as a family or work group that acts as the
electrical circuit for the flow of anxiety from one person to another, which ultimately
limits the group's ability to think clearly and calmly. The anxiety is manifested through
several relationship patterns. The patterns that apply in Laura and Tim's situation are
triangling and distancing.
In triangling, a conflict between two people increases anxiety to the point where, in an
attempt to relieve it, another person or persons is drawn into the conflict. This pattern can
be seen in Laura confiding in her co-workers about her dilemma with Tim. As a result of
the triangle between Tim, Laura and her fellow editors, the anxiety between Tim and
Laura was passed on to her co-workers. The co-workers expressed this anxiety through
their discomfort around Tim and the changed attitude toward Tim. Thus, the triangle that
occurred may have momentarily ameliorated Laura's anxiety, but actually served to spread
it to others and keep it alive.
Compounding the anxiety is the secret nature of the cab incident. The knowledge that
these co-workers had about the secret created the "elephant in the room" phenomena, an
analogy where the secret is the "elephant" looming large in everyone's awareness, but
people studiously ignore it. Friedman states that secrets "act as the plaque in the arteries of
communication; they cause stoppage in the general flow and not just at the point of their
existence" (1985, p. 52). Secrets divide a group, for those who are privy to the secret are
better able to communicate with those who know it than those who do not (Friedman,
1985. p. 52). This dynamic applies to any issue, not just the secret. The secret of the cab
incident not only hindered open communication within the office, but also created
"unnecessary estrangements as well as false companionship" (Friedman, 1985. p. 52).

Tim's constant apologies, possibly motivated by the increased anxiety he felt from his co-
workers, escalated the anxiety even more. Finally, the intensity of anxiety reached a point
where the second pattern, distancing, was bound to occur. Distancing is common when the
anxiety becomes unbearable to one or both parties in conflict. In an attempt to reduce the
anxiety, one or both parties seek physical or emotional distance from one another. Often,
one person distances from another in response to the other's pursuit. The more one person
pursues, the more the pursued distances (Gilbert, 1992. p. 53). The problem with the
distancing pattern is that "outwardly, the partners express distance towards the other, but
inwardly they maintain an intense focus on one another and the relationship" (Gilbert,
1992. p. 55). Distancing actually intensifies feelings (Gilbert, 1992. p. 55).
In an attempt to relieve her anxiety caused by Tim's excessive apologies, Laura left the
anxious work environment for another editor position within the company. But Laura
was still troubled. She was caught in the implicit cultural endorsement of objectifying
women and then experienced the double-bind of assuming a disproportional burden of
responsibility for the consequences. Because she didn't want to be seen as a troublemaker

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